Therapeutic Blogging?

It's on my to do list.  Blogging.  Every time I check Steve's blog, I think I should blog something.  I haven't had anything I felt like blogging about it lately.
But I did mention to my psychiatrist recently that I thought I should start going to therapy again.

By the way, I thought about limiting readers of my blog because I was thinking about mentioning my psychiatrist.  It is a reinforcement of stigma related to mental health issues. I feel like someone someday might see my mentioning a psychiatrist in a "public" format as an indication that I don't have good personal boundaries.  As in I don't have good personal boundaries because I shouldn't tell the whole world that I have a psychiatrist.  Because having a psychiatrist indicates that I have something privately wrong with me.  Only it doesn't feel very private to me.  Mental health, that is.
I am acutely aware of people's mental health and my impression of it when I interact with them.  Not that I think I am an expert.  But it doesn't seem extraordinary to me that I might reflect on someone's mental health when I interact with them.
Is that extraordinary?

Anyway, as I was in bed this morning, I was thinking about therapy.  I love it.  Or I have loved it once.  I have also hated it.  And I was also, alternately, thinking about blogging.  I considered that some of the things I was thinking about blogging about might be better suited for a therapeutic context.  And then I was trying to decide what was unique about the therapeutic context.
For me, therapy, when I have loved it, is about externalizing my thinking (and feeling).  In fact, I don't usually have a good pulse on what I am thinking or feeling if I'm not externalizing it.  That pretty much means I need to be talking about it.  That can be exhausting for the ears that happen to be near me.  Melissa's a pretty good sport about it, as are most of the people I count as friends.  But sometimes I find myself thinking and feeling out loud with someone that I really don't want to be thinking and feeling out loud with.
And that's when I think I might need to start going to therapy again.  So that I don't just spout off randomly with people who I'm not intimately involved with enough to just allow them to have free rein (or is it reign?) of my thoughts or who I'm not intimately involved with enough to subject them to listening to my exhaustive feelings.  I refer to this eternalizing as vomiting.
As in, I vomited on my grandboss this week.  I'm still cringing when I think about that interaction. I'm sure she left it wondering why I had called her and wondering what had just happened to her.
For some reason that I haven't explored, my psychiatrist thought it would be better for me to start exercising first before I tried therapy.  I think he might be wrong about that, but I'm trying to get started exercising as quickly as possible so that I can revisit the conversation about therapy before I vomit on anyone else.
At any rate, it occurred to me this morning that I might try some therapeutic blogging.  Is it vomiting if you choose to read it?  You could have quit reading a long time ago.  Like when I started talking about therapy, mental health and psychiatrists.
Should I limit the readers of my blog if I'm going to use it as a therapeutic tool? Who should I limit it to?

I already tried to limit it but it looked like I needed addresses of people to enter in order to limit it.  I might try again after I publish this post. If I decide to do anymore therapeutic blogging.  Or if I read it and think it was vomiting anyway even though you had a choice about whether or not to read it. Or if I decide that I am violating appropriate personal boundaries.

WOW--I LOVE THE WII!!!!

Melissa asked for a Lego game for the Wii for her birthday.  And I got her Indiana Jones.  Liv came over last night and played with me for the first time.  I loved it.  I can't put the controller down.  My hand is cramping from it.

Ms. Jenny died today

I made up the name.  She had a different name which I am not posting here because I guess I want to protect her family's privacy should they ever be surfing the internet and find her name attached to my blog. Since they didn't give me permission and since I have an ethical code to which I am supposed to adhere in my professional capacity (a topic for another day). So anyway, Ms. Jenny died today. You'd think that since I am a hospice social worker that this wouldn't be noteworthy.  Not using the word blogworthy because my sense is that blogworthy is nothing as blogs contain very mundane observations.  You'd think that since the criteria for showing up on my caseload includes the likelihood that you will die in the next six months that I wouldn't be surprised when one of my patient dies.  It seems odd to me that I would find myself saying today after I received the page that Ms. Jenny had died, "that was unexpected."
When I first started this job, the nearness to death of my patients was very much in front of my awareness.  Now that I have been doing this job for 2+ years, I suspect that I have begun to count on my ability to anticipate someone's death, to have some sense of when they are "getting close." But I don't have this ability. And I am occasionally surprised when a patient dies, even though I often lose patients every day.
I liked Ms. Jenny.  She was fiercely independent and insisted on living alone in spite of the fact that she was likely going to die from hitting her head on the corner of a piece of furniture as she was falling.  I visited with her three times.  I like listening to her stories.  She liked to talk about her childhood.  She grew up in a family of nine.  She had buried her husband and her daughter and all of her siblings. She didn't like to eat much but she did love hard boiled eggs.
Tomorrow I'm going to try to keep in mind that when I say goodbye to my patients as I'm leaving their house that I might be saying goodbye for the last time.

Goodbye Ms. Jenny.

Why not?

Melissa found a website recently where she could make lists. Listology or listograpy or something like that. She listed her favorite old school video games, I guess just to try it out or something. It reminded me of blogging. I thought of lists I want to make: Home improvement projects, long term re-nesting plans, things i hate about the world, things i hate about melissa's boss, etc. etc. And then I thought that that was something I might have put on my blog if I were blogging. I tried to think of why I'm not blogging. Not sure. So I thought I'd give it a shot. Here we are. Welcome back me.

Food Fest 2007

I recently returned from my first trip to New Orleans. The purpose of my trip was to attend a conference for work. Since I have been in my current job, I have gone to Denver, Orlando, Atlanta, Tampa Bay and now New Orleans for similar conferences. The conferences themselves are a mandated activity required by our federal grant. I believe if you have to mandate the activity, it means that it's generally unpleasant or difficult or something. These conferences are usually unpleasant and boring. But I get to go to a different place and my hotel is paid for and occasionally I bring a guest along. I didn't bring anyone with me this time as at the time I had to make arrangments, I wasn't confident that I would still be in my current employment at the time of the conference and I didn't want anyone else to have to eat an airline ticket.

I didn't rent a car while in New Orleans and the street car that usually runs from different parts of the city is not fully up and running yet. And my time was limited to evening outings, for the most part. So I wasn't able to go to parts of the city where Katrina damage is most evident. However, I did see lots of construction fencing and lots of for lease/sale/rent signs and several FEMA trailers in the front yards of some very fancy homes in the Garden District. I also didn't really have time to do much sightseeing, tourist type of activities. I did have a chance to wander around the French Quarter, visit a cemetery, pop into a couple of tourist shops (including a voodoo shop), drink a couple of beers on Bourbon street, listen to several different versions of "When The Saints Go Marching In" from several different jazz bands (all totally awesome) and watch huge steamers rolling down the Mississippi from my hotel room window.
What I enjoyed most about my trip to New Orleans though were my dining experiences. Unintentionally, I am cultivating a keen appreciation for eating and New Orleans turned out to be a great food city. I ate at two celebrated fancy pants restaurants, K-Paul's Kitchen and the Commander's Palace and the food was great. I had oysters, a po-boy, gumbo, blackened fish, grilled fish, fried green tomatoes, gazpacho, stuffed artichokes, great bread, pralines and bread pudding while I was in New Orleans. I also squeezed in two trips to Cafe du Monde for beignets and coffee. But the best food I had was at Central Grocery where I stopped for a muffaletta on my way out of town on a recommendation from my boss. This sandwich has become one of my favorite sandwiches ever. The bread was great, the olive tapenade was totally divine and had lots of other things in it besides olives, like cauliflower and garlic cloves and roasted peppers, and the meat and cheese were perfect compliments to one another. It was just the best sandwich. And it was made all the better by the fact that I ate it out of a paper wrapping sitting at a bar stool at a counter in the grocery, which it turns out is a very small grocery that sells imported Italian food and these muffalettas. My drink came out of a Coke machine in the back of the store. Turns out that you don't need simultaneously delivered meals by a trio of waiters who are meticulously polite in order to enjoy a really fine meal.

My trip to New Orleans and the sneaking suspicion that I am becoming a food person (i'm trying not to use the word "foodie" here) has inspired akid and i to launch a new blog called eatin' with elandem. We are still working on our first post but stay tuned to the links column of both her blog and mine as eatin' will be appearing very soon.

The hills are alive

NOTE: The clips of music in this posting are through Real Player. If you don't have Real player, I don't know what your computer will do with it. I'm not technologically savvy enough to figoure out another way to make this available to you.

Melis and I bought some music yesterday. (i'm posting about it mostly because steve says it's hardest to remember material world items in the time capsule so i thought i'd try to keep a record somewhere, and it might as well be here).
Really Melissa bought it. I was at the book store buying books and Melissa was buying music. (for more about the books i'm reading see my blog link at the right here.)
So this is what we came home with:

West by Lucinda Williams --we like lucinda williams ALOT. When we listened to this one in the store, I thought it sounded like good music to accompany a sad and gloomy day and so I wasn't in favor of purchasing it. But melissa went on and got it anyway. We listened to it on the way home from the store and it turns out that it's a good CD. still a bit gloomy but i like her voice and her lyrics and her flavor. Here's a clip of a song that moved Melissa to buy the CD: Are You Alright.

I Feel Alright by Steve Earle -- I love Steve Earle. Sometimes he reminds me of Bruce Springstein. hope that's not sacrilegious or anything (to Steve not Bruce). We listened to this one while we were cooking dinner last night. I also like his voice, lyrics and flavor. and this CD features a duet with Lucinda Williams, which we really like. Here's a clip of that duet: You're Still Standin There.

Road Companion by Tom Petty--So far this one is probably my favorite. We listened to it on the way to eat with the family today for Easter. It's a road trip CD and it's really good Tom Petty and I can't express how much I love Tom Petty. My favorite thing to say about Tom Petty is that I didn't like him too much until I saw him in concert and his concert was incredible. and now i'm a devoted fan. Melissa and I disagreed about which clip to play here. But it's my blog and this is my favorite so far: Saving Grace.

Nothing But the Water by Grace Potter and the Nocturnals --At the B&N where we buy our music, they have listening stations where you can listen to samples of music off of any CD. Melissa picked this one up just randomly, but it was obvious that her hand was guided there by the cosmos, or "the water" (you'd have to listen to the CD to get that reference to the divine). This is a super cool find. She sounds a little like Bonnie Raitt (as a rocker not a adult contemporary artist) and the music is good and bluesy. Funny but Melissa thought this clip was too churchy for me. (I have an aversion to some churchy things). I love this song: Nothing but the Water, Part II.

2006 Time Capsule

Well it's been that time of year (and past that time of year) for a couple of months now and I haven't been able to generate any motivation to get out my 2006 Time Capsule. Then I noticed that my girl had managed to put hers out, sans photos, and I thought I should go ahead and deliver mine as well, even if only to direct traffic to hers, since she's had relatively few visitors. Thanks to Steve and Melis for motivating me to continue to do this.

Time Capsule: 2006

Pop Culture and The Arts
I. Favorite Movies--

• Mad Hot Ballroom--I've been trying to get Melissa to take country and western dance lessons with me on and off throughout the years. This movie made me want to switch my request to ballroom dancing and had Melissa considering it for a hot minute.
• Little Miss Sunshine--I laughed and laughed.
• V for Vendetta--Many thanks to Steve and Brian for directing me to this kickass movie.

II. Most Watched TV Shows--

• House
• CSI
• Hustle--This doesn't come on enough for me!
• The Office--Provides much needed respite from our gloomy life.

III. Favorite Books--Did I read any books this year?

• Misfortune by Wesley Stace--Another great book about gender benders. Don't know how Melissa found it, but I'm grateful for the gift.
• Thursday Next novels by Jasper Fforde--I always feel like going back and reading "the classics" after I get through with one of these books.
• Peace Like A River by Leif Enger--I know this book was a gift, maybe from MJ? but I'm not sure, and it was a great gift. I loved this book and oddly enough, the author is from the small town in Minnesota where my "out-laws" live (of course they would be my in-laws, except for I'm not allowed to make them lawful.)

IV. Favorite Artist(s)--

• Indigo Girls--I can't get them out of circulation. I'm happily in a rut.
• Steve Earle--I love the Revolution Starts Now CD
• Dan Bern--I love the New American Language CD and he cheers me up

IV-A. Favorite New Artists

• Beth Hart--Thanks to Carla for introducing me to Beth Hart. She rocks!
• KT Tunstall--Thanks to Sarah for getting me to listen to KT Tunstall as someone other than a Top 40 artist. She also rocks!
• The Weepies--I found them in Borders while shopping for a friend's birthday present. Found out later they were touring with the Indigo Girls, and that always works for me.
• Pink--I honestly don't listen to Pink much and I don't own any of her music. But she is on the newest Indigo Girls CD, and if they like her, then so do I. And her song, "Stupid Girls" is awesome.

V. Favorite Song--

• "Delicious Surprise" by Beth Hart--Jo Dee Messina released this song first, but Beth Hart wrote it.
• "Pendulum Swinger" by Indigo Girls--This song makes me want to shout and cry and sing all at the same time.
• "Under the Weather" by KT Tunstall--
• "Gotta Have You" by The Weepies-- This is a catchy song that will have me feeling pathetic in an instant.

VI. Memorable Events--

• Women's College World Series in OKC--we went to find one of Melissa's old college friends in the crowd. While we didn't find Melissa's friend, we found a lot of other stuff, including a creepy hotel room, a great place for breakfast in OKC, some old skeletons in our closet, and much much love. Who knew how transformative the Women's College World Series could be?
• Olivia's first piano recitals--these events are much more enjoyable for me on the other side of the piano.
• Cowboys v. Vikings preseason football--Brian and I went, sans one well-known Vikings fan. Had a great time gearing up for another year of heartache.

VII. Favorite Male Celebs--

• Steve Carell--This man is funny
• Stephen Colbert--If all he never did anything good for the rest of his life, his "roasting" of GWB will earn him a lifetime appointment to this category.

VIII. Favorite Female Celebs--

• Ellen DeGeneres--still riding on her laurels from last year. I like people that make me laugh.
• Indigo Girls--I don't know why I haven't included them in this category before. Maybe because I think they're too cool to be called celebs?

Seize The Day
I. Best Days--

• a vacation day just for myself before i started my new job
• Spending the day in Tampa and on a beautiful beach
• Santa Fe with Melissa, driving in the mountains, picnicking next to the fire in our casita, hot tubbing under the stars
• visiting our friend leann, hanging out in her backyard

II. Trips--

• Road Trip to the Grand Canyon to find celebrate my new found freedom from grad school. We didn't ever get to the Grand Canyon, but we had a totally great time together. A great adventure.
• Work trip to Denver, CO. Had some great Indian food while I was there, but otherwise a very uneventful trip.
• Road Trip to OKC to see Women's College World Series--see Memorable Events.
• Work/Fun Trip to Orlando, FL. Melissa and I managed to squeeze in a couple of trips to the beach and some good Cuban food in Tampa. The beach soothes my soul.
• Trip to Kansas City to reconnect with our good friend Leann. Had the usual great food in her warm kitchen, the best drinks on her patio and porch, remembered why we miss KC.
• Trip to Chicago to catch up with Emilio and receive a much appreciated gift from my great friend Chris. Remembered why I hate living in Texas.

III. Favorite Foods--

• what I'm cooking at home, whatever it is
• Tomatoes (of course)
• black bean dip from gloria's
• guacamole from blue mesa

IV. Favorite Restaurants/Bars--

• gloria's
• cafe brazil
• the flying saucer
• the grapevine

Milestones
I don't like the categories we've used in the past for this section. (it's accomplishments, memorable news stories and relationship developments) In fact, this is a difficult section for ome because I don't feel like I'm passing any milestones. I did get a new job this year, one that is a better fit for my skills and one that pays better, so that's cool. The most important thing in my life continues to be my relationship with my partner, which we both work very hard on. We are never afraid to tackle the tough stuff and we are both very proud of our relationship. We both wish we could share that foundation with a family (children) and we continue to pass milestones in our journey to parenthood. However, those milestones aren't really best mentioned in this context. So let it be sufficient to say that we are stronger and happier with eachother than we ever have been and in spite of the challenges and disappointments of life.
As for news--I hate the news. It feels like it's always bad and it just reminds me how apathetic and lethargic I've become. I've spent the year trying to be more engaged but I surely don't want to reflect on the sorry state of public affairs.

Material World
I. Gifts Given/Received and Purchases Made
After much reflection on this category, I have decided that my memory isn't good enough to pull this off at this late stage of the game. As for gifts given and received, the most significant gifts to me are those that come at times when we least expect them and when we most need them. Sometimes it's just the gift of forgiveness or the gift of friendship that is the most significant to me. Perhaps that's a trite way to look at it; but it doesn't matter because I honestly can't remember any gifts given or received this year. As for purchases made . . .
I bought a cool piece of pottery when we were in Santa Fe.

II. Appearance changes

• Gained back a bunch of weight I lost in 2005
• had a series of horrible hair cuts, which I am still trying to recover from
• my skin is getting older, more wrinkled and softer
• my hair is getting grayer

III. Favorite Clothes

• my pj's
• my syracuse t-shirt
• cargo shorts
• new doc sandals
  

Sports
I. Favorite Hometown Athletes

• Cat Osterman
• Demarcus Ware

II. Favorite Non-Hometown Athletes

• Peyton Manning