Bright Blue Dot

I visited a blue state this weekend.
I desparately miss blueness. I can't stand redness. I'm sick of living in a red state. I realized that it's affecting my sense of humor, my sense of hope, my investment in my future, my level of apathy, my relationships . . . the list goes on.
Akid and I made the unfortunate decision to move to a red state in 2001. We have felt stifled in this conservative environment, but weren't ever sure if it was because we were in a red state or because we are in a red country. We can't tell what's happening anywhere else, because we live here, and living here sometimes feels like living in a straight-jacket in a small, padded room.
But I could feel the difference this weekend, in that blue state. It's different. It feels better.
I am dreaming of moving. I am tired of telling myself that if I leave this red state, then there will be no one here to stand up for blue values. Because I am not really standing up for blue values here, because I am too tired, too apathetic and too irritated to do any standing up. I'm hiding out in my bedroom watching re-runs of Will and Grace, being lulled into a comatose sleep by fluff and transfats.
Please vote green and blue tomorrow.
Stay home if you're going to vote red.

Flying

Why I will continue to paint the entire experience with one tarred feather . . .

flying sucks because:
1. i don't have the money to fly first class
2. the seats where the rest of us have to sit are too small
3. my legs always fall asleep
4. they quit giving out peanuts and i don't really like pretzels
5. i don't like the way my ears and stomach feel on ascent or descent
6. because i never fly anywhere too far away, it feels like i spend most of the time on the plane in ascent or descent, when my ears and stomach are unhappy.
7. i haven't ever been seated next to a stranger i wanted to talk with (nor have i ever enjoyed talking with the stranger i have been seated next to, unlike other more friendly members of my family)
8. I can't ever fall asleep on a plane (to pass the time more quickly or less sentiently) because the seats are too small and i can't stand for my head to bounce around on my neck. and those stupid neck rings don't work either
9. airplanes are stuffy
10. airplanes smell bad
i think 10 reasons is enough. this doesn't mean i won't fly again. but it does mean that i will probably continue to not enjoy flying.
now if emilio was waiting for me at baggage claim, or case, or cookie, or a corndog from the minnesota state fair . . . perhaps i would more quickly forget the unpleasantness of flying.

Piracy!

or What I Learned on My Summer Vacation
entitled Piracy! because I am pretty sure that akid has composed a blog entry, several weeks ago now, awaiting publishing because she wants to add pictures, that is entitled something like What I Learned in Orlando. It was her idea first. She's not copying me, I'm copying her. Ya' gotta jump off somewhere . . .
Anyway, back to the matter at hand . . .
These are a few of the things I have learned on my summer vacation from blogging:
1. On Crisis: I had a therapist several years ago who told me that the Chinese symbol for "crisis" includes the symbol for "danger" and "opportunity." I have heard of this marriage since that time and understand that it is a therapeutic cliche. I liked it at the time. Sounded like a good tattoo. However, I will tell you that having had a summer chock full of crisis--this feels like a crock of shit. Crisis sucks dude.
2. On Flying: I have appreciated the benefits of flying in my lifetime, acknowledging that it afforded me opportunities to do important things that changed my life--like travel to Spain to see my brother, to Nicaragua to learn about paternalism, to Kansas City, Chicago, Slt. Ste. Marie, and other myriad destinations to get a much needed fix of sanity and friendship. While I wouldn't trade these experiences and the flying that went with them, I can't say that I will ever take for granted the COST of flying. Flying sucks dude. (PS--Steer clear of AirTran.)
3. On Emptiness: I have often found myself struggling with emptiness--empty bank account, empty gas tank, empty refrigerator, empty mail box, empty womb. If you know me at all, you may know that these empties have been a real challenge for me. But I had a full house this summer, a full schedule, a full plate, and I have learned from it. Emptiness isn't as bad as it sounds.
4. On Pirates: I did see the Pirates of the Carribean (the first one) this summer. I used to make a habit of not liking Johnny Depp, I think mostly because of 21 Jump Street, but maybe also because of Edward Scissorhands. I've decided to disavow my dislike of Johnny Depp, because I was entertained by Pirates of the Carribean and I loved What's Eating Gilbert Grape, which I had seen previously but didn't give him enough in the credit column to warrant me changing my mind. It's amazing what respite from crisis (in the form of a movie) can do for an actor's reputation . . .
5. On Yardwork: As envious as I am of my neighbors with green grass, it's too hot to do yardwork, so my yard is in the last stages of dying the slow death of lack of water. The green grass isn't always greener.

Our Movie Awards--The Introduction

2005 Annual Lisa and Melissa Didn’t Want to Get Left out of all the Movie Award Hype Several Years Ago and So Started Doing These Silly Awards, but Have Now Gotten in Over Their Head So Enjoy This Last Installment Award Show

It’s true. Steve has been doing the Steve’s for some time now. But it feels like 3 years ago, a rash of awards shows broke out, only I think it was just Maria Jose and Brian who broke on to the scene with their own movie awards show and we couldn’t resist. So we threw our chips in the hat. This decision was an easy one that year as it seems as though we watched 7 movies total, 4-5 on video, 1 on pay-per-view and 1 at the movie theaters, all of which were mostly bad movies. So we came up with what we thought was a very funny awards show in which we awarded every movie we had seen that year with an award. And I remember that we got some pretty decent reviews. The next year we had seen 12 or so (mostly bad) movies and so again the awards show was an easy Friday night activity which we enjoyed without the attendant raves which we also enjoyed on Monday morning.

And then this year rolled around. It’s not that we have only seen 7 and 12 movies annually in previous years because we dislike movies. We like movies and have grown to like them more this last year. But watching movies is a habit that one has to cultivate, like drinking wine. (I’ve mulled this comparison over for some minutes, written and rewritten examples and found that I don’t know enough about drinking wine yet—another habit I am trying to cultivate—to really drive the point home. However, I am also fully aware of who my audience is and I also understand that for most of you, this will be a difficult thing to understand—you having enjoyed the habit of fine movies much like many a wine-o-phile (yes, yes I know there’s a real word for it, but I’m not one of them and my dictionary is in the car—a story for another day—so here we are with the wine-o word) has enjoyed fine wines for so long that you have forgotten the commitment and grit that it took to get yourself there. Or maybe you are a true movie-aholic who from your first darkened movie room was hooked (I think I am talking to ruth here but can’t be sure). But back to the analogy—you have to be intentional about creating the time and space and doing the research to watch a movie and enjoy it. Maybe when you’re first starting you just run into the liquor store and buy a bottle of Boone’s or Mad Dog and chug it down and maybe when you’re first starting on movies you just show up at the theater and watch the Big Momma’s House II or Christmas with the Kranks and chug them down. But the more you watch movies, I suspect, the less these movies satisfy and the more you look for something more complex.

At any rate, Melissa and I decided to begin to cultivate a habit of watching more movies in 2005 and set for ourselves an auspicious goal of watching 52 movies in one year. Which as you may have already considered is one movie for every card in a playing deck, I mean for every week in a year. And so the task of maintaining the tradition of our awards show has grown by quite a lot this year. Now, we could and have considered changing the format of our shows to match the format of more traditional awards shows, awarding movies by category. But the truth is we still drank a lot of cheap movies that shouldn’t garner awards in any category. And we like our noncompetitive (okay I like it, Melissa could take it or leave it) version of the award show—EVERYONE WINS!!! And we have had fun giving our reviews of movies in 20 words or less. However, as we have tried and tried to come up with awards for every show—we’ve just not been able to muster the time commitment to make it happen. We have adapted a modified version of our previous awards.
Enjoy it folks because I don’t think we’ll be able to sustain it next year. I will say this, if we see less than 25 movies this year, maybe we’ll be able to put out again. But this may be our last hurrah.
So let’s get on with it. We’ve posted the actual award announcements on Melissa’s blog. Go here to check them out: http://sotaspace.blogspot.com/2006/06/akid-and-lisas-2005-movie-awards.html

BLT's

BLT's are my perfect food.
The BLT is not my favorite sandwich, but it should be. Here's why . . .
To begin with, BLT's taste good.
Secondly, the combination of flavors on a BLT is perfect. I made BLT's a week ago. We had bacon that was a little too close to old to be eating, lettuce that was mostly on the rusty side, mealy and hothouse grown tomatoes and bread that needed to be toasted in order to kill off the sogginess that was breeding mold. Any of the ingredients standing alone should have been thrown in the trash. I told akid that it was unlikely that they were going to be edible. AND YET, they were divine. The BLT transforms the most mediocre ingredients into a delightful food.
Thirdly, bacon is a good source of some vitamin (B6, I think) that increases your happy hormones. That means bacon makes you happy--the significance of this should not be lost on Brian, who loves bacon and who is generally the happiest person you know. Or at least the most stable person you know anyway.
Fourthly, BLT's remind me of good friends. The best BLT's I ever had were made in the kitchen of my good friends Leann and Julie. We spent (too much) time discussing optimum cooking methods for bacon and slicing methods for tomatoes, drinking bloody marys and savoring our lives and our shared company. They had a great kitchen which always generated the best food. (they also added avocados to their BLT's, which is a very smart thing to do).
Finally, BLT's are a comfort food. I know my mom made some mean BLT's in her day. I don't remember them, but I know that she laid the foundation of the love affair I now have with BLT's.
Thanks Mom.

Some days are better than others

Yesterday was worse than most. I'm a big proponent of preventive medical care. I have always been one to encourage the women in my life to get their annual "well-woman" exams, to practice safer sex, to get tested when they don't. I encourage my friends to take their health care into their own hands, to own the process, to care for yourself as you would care for your children or your loved ones. I am not the best at follow-through myself, but I have been having fairly regular well-woman exams since I was 18 years old. I should have started sooner, but I didn't. I have always been one to participate actively in my medical care, to ask questions, to give information, to be open and honest about my expectations. I have recently switched jobs and therefore, switched health insurance. I decided to take advantage of the switching momentum and try a new doctor.
I have had a rocky history with doctors since I have moved to Fort Worth 4 1/2 years ago. The first doctor I visited refused to refill my prescription for antidepressants without me getting a psychiatric consult, which consisted of a $50 visit to a psychiatrist who read the form I filled out regarding my mental health and sat with me in her office for a total of 2 minutes before scribbling jibberish on a prescription pad. The next doctor I visited refused to sign a piece of paper for a sperm bank stating that she had conducted a pap smear on me in the last year, which she had. She referred me to a gynecologist, who said that she couldn't sign the piece of paper because my partner and I were planning on using sperm for an at-home insemination, instead of going through her office. She referred me to a fertility specialist who told me at my first visit that she didn't work with same-sex couples. Had I come in alone would she have helped me?
I then started visiting a D.O. (doctor of osteopathy) who akid fondly refers to as the "ouija board doctor."She's a bit on the flaky side, but I was okay with that because she herself was a lesbian and so I didn't anticipate any unspoken or latent homophobia. However, every time I ever visited her office, I ended up with so many supplements I needed to take vacation time from work to squeeze in the time to take them all and I always waited several hours in her office before getting to actually see her. So I thought I might try for something better. So yesterday I went for my first visit to the new doctor. It didn't go so well. She had a lousy bedside manner and I left her office feeling like a complete pariah, but not before having the worst pap smear of my life. She put off all kind of unspoken homophobic vibes, the most obvious of which was her ending her medical history interview before it ever even started when I told her that I had had a miscarriage after my girlfriend and I had been trying to get pregnant through artificial insemination.
Why I stayed for the pap smear after that is anyone’s guess.
It was a depressing and discouraging day for me. I spent the better part of last night crying out my anger and frustration over the way I was treated and the lack of recourse and the realization that I am going to have to do it all over again if I want to ever find a doctor that cares for my health with respect and dignity.
That sucks.
I am fantasizing about setting up a website for queer folks to refer eachother to good openminded safe businesses (whether it be doctors, masseuses, hair stylists, therapists or taxi services) and to warn eachother about the bad ones. But it’s technologically beyond me.
I wish there was a way to screen my next doctor and I have been playing out the conversation in my head when I call to make the appointment . . .
“Is Dr. X seeing new patients?”
“Yes”
“Does she ever see gay people?”
Or
“Is she okay with gay people?”
Or
“Is she going to give me grief about being gay?”
The good news is today is a much better day. I went to the dentist, where I had my tooth drilled on for the better part of an hour only to discover that it wasn’t strong enough to hold a filling and that I would have to come back in two weeks for a crown. This prospect is much more appealing to me than ever seeing yesterday’s doctor again. I will happily be going to the dentist. It’s all about perspective.

Hangin' with Olivia

Olivia and I hung out on Monday this week. She was in daycare because her school was having teacher in-service and her mom and dad both had to work. So I picked her up from daycare before lunch and then we picked up her dad and went to lunch with him. We then went to see The Wild. Olivia really liked the movie. I thought it was unremarkable, but I had a great time hanging out with her. Olivia said that she didn't like it as much as Mulan or Madagascar, to put it in perspective.
After the movie, we went back to my house where Olivia visited The Wild of my home. She also played a couple of tunes on the piano. And then I took her to her mom's work to go home. It was a good afternoon and I felt lucky to have the flexibility to hang out with her.
Next time we are planning a cooking adventure. Stay tuned for deets.