It's on my to do list. Blogging. Every time I check Steve's blog, I think I should blog something. I haven't had anything I felt like blogging about it lately.
But I did mention to my psychiatrist recently that I thought I should start going to therapy again.
By the way, I thought about limiting readers of my blog because I was thinking about mentioning my psychiatrist. It is a reinforcement of stigma related to mental health issues. I feel like someone someday might see my mentioning a psychiatrist in a "public" format as an indication that I don't have good personal boundaries. As in I don't have good personal boundaries because I shouldn't tell the whole world that I have a psychiatrist. Because having a psychiatrist indicates that I have something privately wrong with me. Only it doesn't feel very private to me. Mental health, that is.
I am acutely aware of people's mental health and my impression of it when I interact with them. Not that I think I am an expert. But it doesn't seem extraordinary to me that I might reflect on someone's mental health when I interact with them.
Is that extraordinary?
Anyway, as I was in bed this morning, I was thinking about therapy. I love it. Or I have loved it once. I have also hated it. And I was also, alternately, thinking about blogging. I considered that some of the things I was thinking about blogging about might be better suited for a therapeutic context. And then I was trying to decide what was unique about the therapeutic context.
For me, therapy, when I have loved it, is about externalizing my thinking (and feeling). In fact, I don't usually have a good pulse on what I am thinking or feeling if I'm not externalizing it. That pretty much means I need to be talking about it. That can be exhausting for the ears that happen to be near me. Melissa's a pretty good sport about it, as are most of the people I count as friends. But sometimes I find myself thinking and feeling out loud with someone that I really don't want to be thinking and feeling out loud with.
And that's when I think I might need to start going to therapy again. So that I don't just spout off randomly with people who I'm not intimately involved with enough to just allow them to have free rein (or is it reign?) of my thoughts or who I'm not intimately involved with enough to subject them to listening to my exhaustive feelings. I refer to this eternalizing as vomiting.
As in, I vomited on my grandboss this week. I'm still cringing when I think about that interaction. I'm sure she left it wondering why I had called her and wondering what had just happened to her.
For some reason that I haven't explored, my psychiatrist thought it would be better for me to start exercising first before I tried therapy. I think he might be wrong about that, but I'm trying to get started exercising as quickly as possible so that I can revisit the conversation about therapy before I vomit on anyone else.
At any rate, it occurred to me this morning that I might try some therapeutic blogging. Is it vomiting if you choose to read it? You could have quit reading a long time ago. Like when I started talking about therapy, mental health and psychiatrists.
Should I limit the readers of my blog if I'm going to use it as a therapeutic tool? Who should I limit it to?
I already tried to limit it but it looked like I needed addresses of people to enter in order to limit it. I might try again after I publish this post. If I decide to do anymore therapeutic blogging. Or if I read it and think it was vomiting anyway even though you had a choice about whether or not to read it. Or if I decide that I am violating appropriate personal boundaries.
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1 comment:
I've never felt vomited on by you.
I have felt vomited on by Emilio. More than once, but that was real vomit.
Going private with your blog seems like a good move. And you've got a good excuse to do so (you're going to play the psychiatry card).
I sometimes make layman diagnoses of the mental stability of my colleagues at work, usually when I am judging them to be mentally unstable paranoids.
I don't think I know what I'm thinking or feeling much of the time either, and I feel like I don't have the time to do anything about it. I could use some good talk. I could also use some time to think. Even writing this here feels like a luxury I don't have!
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