Therapeutic Blogging?

It's on my to do list.  Blogging.  Every time I check Steve's blog, I think I should blog something.  I haven't had anything I felt like blogging about it lately.
But I did mention to my psychiatrist recently that I thought I should start going to therapy again.

By the way, I thought about limiting readers of my blog because I was thinking about mentioning my psychiatrist.  It is a reinforcement of stigma related to mental health issues. I feel like someone someday might see my mentioning a psychiatrist in a "public" format as an indication that I don't have good personal boundaries.  As in I don't have good personal boundaries because I shouldn't tell the whole world that I have a psychiatrist.  Because having a psychiatrist indicates that I have something privately wrong with me.  Only it doesn't feel very private to me.  Mental health, that is.
I am acutely aware of people's mental health and my impression of it when I interact with them.  Not that I think I am an expert.  But it doesn't seem extraordinary to me that I might reflect on someone's mental health when I interact with them.
Is that extraordinary?

Anyway, as I was in bed this morning, I was thinking about therapy.  I love it.  Or I have loved it once.  I have also hated it.  And I was also, alternately, thinking about blogging.  I considered that some of the things I was thinking about blogging about might be better suited for a therapeutic context.  And then I was trying to decide what was unique about the therapeutic context.
For me, therapy, when I have loved it, is about externalizing my thinking (and feeling).  In fact, I don't usually have a good pulse on what I am thinking or feeling if I'm not externalizing it.  That pretty much means I need to be talking about it.  That can be exhausting for the ears that happen to be near me.  Melissa's a pretty good sport about it, as are most of the people I count as friends.  But sometimes I find myself thinking and feeling out loud with someone that I really don't want to be thinking and feeling out loud with.
And that's when I think I might need to start going to therapy again.  So that I don't just spout off randomly with people who I'm not intimately involved with enough to just allow them to have free rein (or is it reign?) of my thoughts or who I'm not intimately involved with enough to subject them to listening to my exhaustive feelings.  I refer to this eternalizing as vomiting.
As in, I vomited on my grandboss this week.  I'm still cringing when I think about that interaction. I'm sure she left it wondering why I had called her and wondering what had just happened to her.
For some reason that I haven't explored, my psychiatrist thought it would be better for me to start exercising first before I tried therapy.  I think he might be wrong about that, but I'm trying to get started exercising as quickly as possible so that I can revisit the conversation about therapy before I vomit on anyone else.
At any rate, it occurred to me this morning that I might try some therapeutic blogging.  Is it vomiting if you choose to read it?  You could have quit reading a long time ago.  Like when I started talking about therapy, mental health and psychiatrists.
Should I limit the readers of my blog if I'm going to use it as a therapeutic tool? Who should I limit it to?

I already tried to limit it but it looked like I needed addresses of people to enter in order to limit it.  I might try again after I publish this post. If I decide to do anymore therapeutic blogging.  Or if I read it and think it was vomiting anyway even though you had a choice about whether or not to read it. Or if I decide that I am violating appropriate personal boundaries.

WOW--I LOVE THE WII!!!!

Melissa asked for a Lego game for the Wii for her birthday.  And I got her Indiana Jones.  Liv came over last night and played with me for the first time.  I loved it.  I can't put the controller down.  My hand is cramping from it.

Ms. Jenny died today

I made up the name.  She had a different name which I am not posting here because I guess I want to protect her family's privacy should they ever be surfing the internet and find her name attached to my blog. Since they didn't give me permission and since I have an ethical code to which I am supposed to adhere in my professional capacity (a topic for another day). So anyway, Ms. Jenny died today. You'd think that since I am a hospice social worker that this wouldn't be noteworthy.  Not using the word blogworthy because my sense is that blogworthy is nothing as blogs contain very mundane observations.  You'd think that since the criteria for showing up on my caseload includes the likelihood that you will die in the next six months that I wouldn't be surprised when one of my patient dies.  It seems odd to me that I would find myself saying today after I received the page that Ms. Jenny had died, "that was unexpected."
When I first started this job, the nearness to death of my patients was very much in front of my awareness.  Now that I have been doing this job for 2+ years, I suspect that I have begun to count on my ability to anticipate someone's death, to have some sense of when they are "getting close." But I don't have this ability. And I am occasionally surprised when a patient dies, even though I often lose patients every day.
I liked Ms. Jenny.  She was fiercely independent and insisted on living alone in spite of the fact that she was likely going to die from hitting her head on the corner of a piece of furniture as she was falling.  I visited with her three times.  I like listening to her stories.  She liked to talk about her childhood.  She grew up in a family of nine.  She had buried her husband and her daughter and all of her siblings. She didn't like to eat much but she did love hard boiled eggs.
Tomorrow I'm going to try to keep in mind that when I say goodbye to my patients as I'm leaving their house that I might be saying goodbye for the last time.

Goodbye Ms. Jenny.

Why not?

Melissa found a website recently where she could make lists. Listology or listograpy or something like that. She listed her favorite old school video games, I guess just to try it out or something. It reminded me of blogging. I thought of lists I want to make: Home improvement projects, long term re-nesting plans, things i hate about the world, things i hate about melissa's boss, etc. etc. And then I thought that that was something I might have put on my blog if I were blogging. I tried to think of why I'm not blogging. Not sure. So I thought I'd give it a shot. Here we are. Welcome back me.

Food Fest 2007

I recently returned from my first trip to New Orleans. The purpose of my trip was to attend a conference for work. Since I have been in my current job, I have gone to Denver, Orlando, Atlanta, Tampa Bay and now New Orleans for similar conferences. The conferences themselves are a mandated activity required by our federal grant. I believe if you have to mandate the activity, it means that it's generally unpleasant or difficult or something. These conferences are usually unpleasant and boring. But I get to go to a different place and my hotel is paid for and occasionally I bring a guest along. I didn't bring anyone with me this time as at the time I had to make arrangments, I wasn't confident that I would still be in my current employment at the time of the conference and I didn't want anyone else to have to eat an airline ticket.

I didn't rent a car while in New Orleans and the street car that usually runs from different parts of the city is not fully up and running yet. And my time was limited to evening outings, for the most part. So I wasn't able to go to parts of the city where Katrina damage is most evident. However, I did see lots of construction fencing and lots of for lease/sale/rent signs and several FEMA trailers in the front yards of some very fancy homes in the Garden District. I also didn't really have time to do much sightseeing, tourist type of activities. I did have a chance to wander around the French Quarter, visit a cemetery, pop into a couple of tourist shops (including a voodoo shop), drink a couple of beers on Bourbon street, listen to several different versions of "When The Saints Go Marching In" from several different jazz bands (all totally awesome) and watch huge steamers rolling down the Mississippi from my hotel room window.
What I enjoyed most about my trip to New Orleans though were my dining experiences. Unintentionally, I am cultivating a keen appreciation for eating and New Orleans turned out to be a great food city. I ate at two celebrated fancy pants restaurants, K-Paul's Kitchen and the Commander's Palace and the food was great. I had oysters, a po-boy, gumbo, blackened fish, grilled fish, fried green tomatoes, gazpacho, stuffed artichokes, great bread, pralines and bread pudding while I was in New Orleans. I also squeezed in two trips to Cafe du Monde for beignets and coffee. But the best food I had was at Central Grocery where I stopped for a muffaletta on my way out of town on a recommendation from my boss. This sandwich has become one of my favorite sandwiches ever. The bread was great, the olive tapenade was totally divine and had lots of other things in it besides olives, like cauliflower and garlic cloves and roasted peppers, and the meat and cheese were perfect compliments to one another. It was just the best sandwich. And it was made all the better by the fact that I ate it out of a paper wrapping sitting at a bar stool at a counter in the grocery, which it turns out is a very small grocery that sells imported Italian food and these muffalettas. My drink came out of a Coke machine in the back of the store. Turns out that you don't need simultaneously delivered meals by a trio of waiters who are meticulously polite in order to enjoy a really fine meal.

My trip to New Orleans and the sneaking suspicion that I am becoming a food person (i'm trying not to use the word "foodie" here) has inspired akid and i to launch a new blog called eatin' with elandem. We are still working on our first post but stay tuned to the links column of both her blog and mine as eatin' will be appearing very soon.

The hills are alive

NOTE: The clips of music in this posting are through Real Player. If you don't have Real player, I don't know what your computer will do with it. I'm not technologically savvy enough to figoure out another way to make this available to you.

Melis and I bought some music yesterday. (i'm posting about it mostly because steve says it's hardest to remember material world items in the time capsule so i thought i'd try to keep a record somewhere, and it might as well be here).
Really Melissa bought it. I was at the book store buying books and Melissa was buying music. (for more about the books i'm reading see my blog link at the right here.)
So this is what we came home with:

West by Lucinda Williams --we like lucinda williams ALOT. When we listened to this one in the store, I thought it sounded like good music to accompany a sad and gloomy day and so I wasn't in favor of purchasing it. But melissa went on and got it anyway. We listened to it on the way home from the store and it turns out that it's a good CD. still a bit gloomy but i like her voice and her lyrics and her flavor. Here's a clip of a song that moved Melissa to buy the CD: Are You Alright.

I Feel Alright by Steve Earle -- I love Steve Earle. Sometimes he reminds me of Bruce Springstein. hope that's not sacrilegious or anything (to Steve not Bruce). We listened to this one while we were cooking dinner last night. I also like his voice, lyrics and flavor. and this CD features a duet with Lucinda Williams, which we really like. Here's a clip of that duet: You're Still Standin There.

Road Companion by Tom Petty--So far this one is probably my favorite. We listened to it on the way to eat with the family today for Easter. It's a road trip CD and it's really good Tom Petty and I can't express how much I love Tom Petty. My favorite thing to say about Tom Petty is that I didn't like him too much until I saw him in concert and his concert was incredible. and now i'm a devoted fan. Melissa and I disagreed about which clip to play here. But it's my blog and this is my favorite so far: Saving Grace.

Nothing But the Water by Grace Potter and the Nocturnals --At the B&N where we buy our music, they have listening stations where you can listen to samples of music off of any CD. Melissa picked this one up just randomly, but it was obvious that her hand was guided there by the cosmos, or "the water" (you'd have to listen to the CD to get that reference to the divine). This is a super cool find. She sounds a little like Bonnie Raitt (as a rocker not a adult contemporary artist) and the music is good and bluesy. Funny but Melissa thought this clip was too churchy for me. (I have an aversion to some churchy things). I love this song: Nothing but the Water, Part II.

2006 Time Capsule

Well it's been that time of year (and past that time of year) for a couple of months now and I haven't been able to generate any motivation to get out my 2006 Time Capsule. Then I noticed that my girl had managed to put hers out, sans photos, and I thought I should go ahead and deliver mine as well, even if only to direct traffic to hers, since she's had relatively few visitors. Thanks to Steve and Melis for motivating me to continue to do this.

Time Capsule: 2006

Pop Culture and The Arts
I. Favorite Movies--

• Mad Hot Ballroom--I've been trying to get Melissa to take country and western dance lessons with me on and off throughout the years. This movie made me want to switch my request to ballroom dancing and had Melissa considering it for a hot minute.
• Little Miss Sunshine--I laughed and laughed.
• V for Vendetta--Many thanks to Steve and Brian for directing me to this kickass movie.

II. Most Watched TV Shows--

• House
• CSI
• Hustle--This doesn't come on enough for me!
• The Office--Provides much needed respite from our gloomy life.

III. Favorite Books--Did I read any books this year?

• Misfortune by Wesley Stace--Another great book about gender benders. Don't know how Melissa found it, but I'm grateful for the gift.
• Thursday Next novels by Jasper Fforde--I always feel like going back and reading "the classics" after I get through with one of these books.
• Peace Like A River by Leif Enger--I know this book was a gift, maybe from MJ? but I'm not sure, and it was a great gift. I loved this book and oddly enough, the author is from the small town in Minnesota where my "out-laws" live (of course they would be my in-laws, except for I'm not allowed to make them lawful.)

IV. Favorite Artist(s)--

• Indigo Girls--I can't get them out of circulation. I'm happily in a rut.
• Steve Earle--I love the Revolution Starts Now CD
• Dan Bern--I love the New American Language CD and he cheers me up

IV-A. Favorite New Artists

• Beth Hart--Thanks to Carla for introducing me to Beth Hart. She rocks!
• KT Tunstall--Thanks to Sarah for getting me to listen to KT Tunstall as someone other than a Top 40 artist. She also rocks!
• The Weepies--I found them in Borders while shopping for a friend's birthday present. Found out later they were touring with the Indigo Girls, and that always works for me.
• Pink--I honestly don't listen to Pink much and I don't own any of her music. But she is on the newest Indigo Girls CD, and if they like her, then so do I. And her song, "Stupid Girls" is awesome.

V. Favorite Song--

• "Delicious Surprise" by Beth Hart--Jo Dee Messina released this song first, but Beth Hart wrote it.
• "Pendulum Swinger" by Indigo Girls--This song makes me want to shout and cry and sing all at the same time.
• "Under the Weather" by KT Tunstall--
• "Gotta Have You" by The Weepies-- This is a catchy song that will have me feeling pathetic in an instant.

VI. Memorable Events--

• Women's College World Series in OKC--we went to find one of Melissa's old college friends in the crowd. While we didn't find Melissa's friend, we found a lot of other stuff, including a creepy hotel room, a great place for breakfast in OKC, some old skeletons in our closet, and much much love. Who knew how transformative the Women's College World Series could be?
• Olivia's first piano recitals--these events are much more enjoyable for me on the other side of the piano.
• Cowboys v. Vikings preseason football--Brian and I went, sans one well-known Vikings fan. Had a great time gearing up for another year of heartache.

VII. Favorite Male Celebs--

• Steve Carell--This man is funny
• Stephen Colbert--If all he never did anything good for the rest of his life, his "roasting" of GWB will earn him a lifetime appointment to this category.

VIII. Favorite Female Celebs--

• Ellen DeGeneres--still riding on her laurels from last year. I like people that make me laugh.
• Indigo Girls--I don't know why I haven't included them in this category before. Maybe because I think they're too cool to be called celebs?

Seize The Day
I. Best Days--

• a vacation day just for myself before i started my new job
• Spending the day in Tampa and on a beautiful beach
• Santa Fe with Melissa, driving in the mountains, picnicking next to the fire in our casita, hot tubbing under the stars
• visiting our friend leann, hanging out in her backyard

II. Trips--

• Road Trip to the Grand Canyon to find celebrate my new found freedom from grad school. We didn't ever get to the Grand Canyon, but we had a totally great time together. A great adventure.
• Work trip to Denver, CO. Had some great Indian food while I was there, but otherwise a very uneventful trip.
• Road Trip to OKC to see Women's College World Series--see Memorable Events.
• Work/Fun Trip to Orlando, FL. Melissa and I managed to squeeze in a couple of trips to the beach and some good Cuban food in Tampa. The beach soothes my soul.
• Trip to Kansas City to reconnect with our good friend Leann. Had the usual great food in her warm kitchen, the best drinks on her patio and porch, remembered why we miss KC.
• Trip to Chicago to catch up with Emilio and receive a much appreciated gift from my great friend Chris. Remembered why I hate living in Texas.

III. Favorite Foods--

• what I'm cooking at home, whatever it is
• Tomatoes (of course)
• black bean dip from gloria's
• guacamole from blue mesa

IV. Favorite Restaurants/Bars--

• gloria's
• cafe brazil
• the flying saucer
• the grapevine

Milestones
I don't like the categories we've used in the past for this section. (it's accomplishments, memorable news stories and relationship developments) In fact, this is a difficult section for ome because I don't feel like I'm passing any milestones. I did get a new job this year, one that is a better fit for my skills and one that pays better, so that's cool. The most important thing in my life continues to be my relationship with my partner, which we both work very hard on. We are never afraid to tackle the tough stuff and we are both very proud of our relationship. We both wish we could share that foundation with a family (children) and we continue to pass milestones in our journey to parenthood. However, those milestones aren't really best mentioned in this context. So let it be sufficient to say that we are stronger and happier with eachother than we ever have been and in spite of the challenges and disappointments of life.
As for news--I hate the news. It feels like it's always bad and it just reminds me how apathetic and lethargic I've become. I've spent the year trying to be more engaged but I surely don't want to reflect on the sorry state of public affairs.

Material World
I. Gifts Given/Received and Purchases Made
After much reflection on this category, I have decided that my memory isn't good enough to pull this off at this late stage of the game. As for gifts given and received, the most significant gifts to me are those that come at times when we least expect them and when we most need them. Sometimes it's just the gift of forgiveness or the gift of friendship that is the most significant to me. Perhaps that's a trite way to look at it; but it doesn't matter because I honestly can't remember any gifts given or received this year. As for purchases made . . .
I bought a cool piece of pottery when we were in Santa Fe.

II. Appearance changes

• Gained back a bunch of weight I lost in 2005
• had a series of horrible hair cuts, which I am still trying to recover from
• my skin is getting older, more wrinkled and softer
• my hair is getting grayer

III. Favorite Clothes

• my pj's
• my syracuse t-shirt
• cargo shorts
• new doc sandals
  

Sports
I. Favorite Hometown Athletes

• Cat Osterman
• Demarcus Ware

II. Favorite Non-Hometown Athletes

• Peyton Manning

Bright Blue Dot

I visited a blue state this weekend.
I desparately miss blueness. I can't stand redness. I'm sick of living in a red state. I realized that it's affecting my sense of humor, my sense of hope, my investment in my future, my level of apathy, my relationships . . . the list goes on.
Akid and I made the unfortunate decision to move to a red state in 2001. We have felt stifled in this conservative environment, but weren't ever sure if it was because we were in a red state or because we are in a red country. We can't tell what's happening anywhere else, because we live here, and living here sometimes feels like living in a straight-jacket in a small, padded room.
But I could feel the difference this weekend, in that blue state. It's different. It feels better.
I am dreaming of moving. I am tired of telling myself that if I leave this red state, then there will be no one here to stand up for blue values. Because I am not really standing up for blue values here, because I am too tired, too apathetic and too irritated to do any standing up. I'm hiding out in my bedroom watching re-runs of Will and Grace, being lulled into a comatose sleep by fluff and transfats.
Please vote green and blue tomorrow.
Stay home if you're going to vote red.

Flying

Why I will continue to paint the entire experience with one tarred feather . . .

flying sucks because:
1. i don't have the money to fly first class
2. the seats where the rest of us have to sit are too small
3. my legs always fall asleep
4. they quit giving out peanuts and i don't really like pretzels
5. i don't like the way my ears and stomach feel on ascent or descent
6. because i never fly anywhere too far away, it feels like i spend most of the time on the plane in ascent or descent, when my ears and stomach are unhappy.
7. i haven't ever been seated next to a stranger i wanted to talk with (nor have i ever enjoyed talking with the stranger i have been seated next to, unlike other more friendly members of my family)
8. I can't ever fall asleep on a plane (to pass the time more quickly or less sentiently) because the seats are too small and i can't stand for my head to bounce around on my neck. and those stupid neck rings don't work either
9. airplanes are stuffy
10. airplanes smell bad
i think 10 reasons is enough. this doesn't mean i won't fly again. but it does mean that i will probably continue to not enjoy flying.
now if emilio was waiting for me at baggage claim, or case, or cookie, or a corndog from the minnesota state fair . . . perhaps i would more quickly forget the unpleasantness of flying.

Piracy!

or What I Learned on My Summer Vacation
entitled Piracy! because I am pretty sure that akid has composed a blog entry, several weeks ago now, awaiting publishing because she wants to add pictures, that is entitled something like What I Learned in Orlando. It was her idea first. She's not copying me, I'm copying her. Ya' gotta jump off somewhere . . .
Anyway, back to the matter at hand . . .
These are a few of the things I have learned on my summer vacation from blogging:
1. On Crisis: I had a therapist several years ago who told me that the Chinese symbol for "crisis" includes the symbol for "danger" and "opportunity." I have heard of this marriage since that time and understand that it is a therapeutic cliche. I liked it at the time. Sounded like a good tattoo. However, I will tell you that having had a summer chock full of crisis--this feels like a crock of shit. Crisis sucks dude.
2. On Flying: I have appreciated the benefits of flying in my lifetime, acknowledging that it afforded me opportunities to do important things that changed my life--like travel to Spain to see my brother, to Nicaragua to learn about paternalism, to Kansas City, Chicago, Slt. Ste. Marie, and other myriad destinations to get a much needed fix of sanity and friendship. While I wouldn't trade these experiences and the flying that went with them, I can't say that I will ever take for granted the COST of flying. Flying sucks dude. (PS--Steer clear of AirTran.)
3. On Emptiness: I have often found myself struggling with emptiness--empty bank account, empty gas tank, empty refrigerator, empty mail box, empty womb. If you know me at all, you may know that these empties have been a real challenge for me. But I had a full house this summer, a full schedule, a full plate, and I have learned from it. Emptiness isn't as bad as it sounds.
4. On Pirates: I did see the Pirates of the Carribean (the first one) this summer. I used to make a habit of not liking Johnny Depp, I think mostly because of 21 Jump Street, but maybe also because of Edward Scissorhands. I've decided to disavow my dislike of Johnny Depp, because I was entertained by Pirates of the Carribean and I loved What's Eating Gilbert Grape, which I had seen previously but didn't give him enough in the credit column to warrant me changing my mind. It's amazing what respite from crisis (in the form of a movie) can do for an actor's reputation . . .
5. On Yardwork: As envious as I am of my neighbors with green grass, it's too hot to do yardwork, so my yard is in the last stages of dying the slow death of lack of water. The green grass isn't always greener.

Our Movie Awards--The Introduction

2005 Annual Lisa and Melissa Didn’t Want to Get Left out of all the Movie Award Hype Several Years Ago and So Started Doing These Silly Awards, but Have Now Gotten in Over Their Head So Enjoy This Last Installment Award Show

It’s true. Steve has been doing the Steve’s for some time now. But it feels like 3 years ago, a rash of awards shows broke out, only I think it was just Maria Jose and Brian who broke on to the scene with their own movie awards show and we couldn’t resist. So we threw our chips in the hat. This decision was an easy one that year as it seems as though we watched 7 movies total, 4-5 on video, 1 on pay-per-view and 1 at the movie theaters, all of which were mostly bad movies. So we came up with what we thought was a very funny awards show in which we awarded every movie we had seen that year with an award. And I remember that we got some pretty decent reviews. The next year we had seen 12 or so (mostly bad) movies and so again the awards show was an easy Friday night activity which we enjoyed without the attendant raves which we also enjoyed on Monday morning.

And then this year rolled around. It’s not that we have only seen 7 and 12 movies annually in previous years because we dislike movies. We like movies and have grown to like them more this last year. But watching movies is a habit that one has to cultivate, like drinking wine. (I’ve mulled this comparison over for some minutes, written and rewritten examples and found that I don’t know enough about drinking wine yet—another habit I am trying to cultivate—to really drive the point home. However, I am also fully aware of who my audience is and I also understand that for most of you, this will be a difficult thing to understand—you having enjoyed the habit of fine movies much like many a wine-o-phile (yes, yes I know there’s a real word for it, but I’m not one of them and my dictionary is in the car—a story for another day—so here we are with the wine-o word) has enjoyed fine wines for so long that you have forgotten the commitment and grit that it took to get yourself there. Or maybe you are a true movie-aholic who from your first darkened movie room was hooked (I think I am talking to ruth here but can’t be sure). But back to the analogy—you have to be intentional about creating the time and space and doing the research to watch a movie and enjoy it. Maybe when you’re first starting you just run into the liquor store and buy a bottle of Boone’s or Mad Dog and chug it down and maybe when you’re first starting on movies you just show up at the theater and watch the Big Momma’s House II or Christmas with the Kranks and chug them down. But the more you watch movies, I suspect, the less these movies satisfy and the more you look for something more complex.

At any rate, Melissa and I decided to begin to cultivate a habit of watching more movies in 2005 and set for ourselves an auspicious goal of watching 52 movies in one year. Which as you may have already considered is one movie for every card in a playing deck, I mean for every week in a year. And so the task of maintaining the tradition of our awards show has grown by quite a lot this year. Now, we could and have considered changing the format of our shows to match the format of more traditional awards shows, awarding movies by category. But the truth is we still drank a lot of cheap movies that shouldn’t garner awards in any category. And we like our noncompetitive (okay I like it, Melissa could take it or leave it) version of the award show—EVERYONE WINS!!! And we have had fun giving our reviews of movies in 20 words or less. However, as we have tried and tried to come up with awards for every show—we’ve just not been able to muster the time commitment to make it happen. We have adapted a modified version of our previous awards.
Enjoy it folks because I don’t think we’ll be able to sustain it next year. I will say this, if we see less than 25 movies this year, maybe we’ll be able to put out again. But this may be our last hurrah.
So let’s get on with it. We’ve posted the actual award announcements on Melissa’s blog. Go here to check them out: http://sotaspace.blogspot.com/2006/06/akid-and-lisas-2005-movie-awards.html

BLT's

BLT's are my perfect food.
The BLT is not my favorite sandwich, but it should be. Here's why . . .
To begin with, BLT's taste good.
Secondly, the combination of flavors on a BLT is perfect. I made BLT's a week ago. We had bacon that was a little too close to old to be eating, lettuce that was mostly on the rusty side, mealy and hothouse grown tomatoes and bread that needed to be toasted in order to kill off the sogginess that was breeding mold. Any of the ingredients standing alone should have been thrown in the trash. I told akid that it was unlikely that they were going to be edible. AND YET, they were divine. The BLT transforms the most mediocre ingredients into a delightful food.
Thirdly, bacon is a good source of some vitamin (B6, I think) that increases your happy hormones. That means bacon makes you happy--the significance of this should not be lost on Brian, who loves bacon and who is generally the happiest person you know. Or at least the most stable person you know anyway.
Fourthly, BLT's remind me of good friends. The best BLT's I ever had were made in the kitchen of my good friends Leann and Julie. We spent (too much) time discussing optimum cooking methods for bacon and slicing methods for tomatoes, drinking bloody marys and savoring our lives and our shared company. They had a great kitchen which always generated the best food. (they also added avocados to their BLT's, which is a very smart thing to do).
Finally, BLT's are a comfort food. I know my mom made some mean BLT's in her day. I don't remember them, but I know that she laid the foundation of the love affair I now have with BLT's.
Thanks Mom.

Some days are better than others

Yesterday was worse than most. I'm a big proponent of preventive medical care. I have always been one to encourage the women in my life to get their annual "well-woman" exams, to practice safer sex, to get tested when they don't. I encourage my friends to take their health care into their own hands, to own the process, to care for yourself as you would care for your children or your loved ones. I am not the best at follow-through myself, but I have been having fairly regular well-woman exams since I was 18 years old. I should have started sooner, but I didn't. I have always been one to participate actively in my medical care, to ask questions, to give information, to be open and honest about my expectations. I have recently switched jobs and therefore, switched health insurance. I decided to take advantage of the switching momentum and try a new doctor.
I have had a rocky history with doctors since I have moved to Fort Worth 4 1/2 years ago. The first doctor I visited refused to refill my prescription for antidepressants without me getting a psychiatric consult, which consisted of a $50 visit to a psychiatrist who read the form I filled out regarding my mental health and sat with me in her office for a total of 2 minutes before scribbling jibberish on a prescription pad. The next doctor I visited refused to sign a piece of paper for a sperm bank stating that she had conducted a pap smear on me in the last year, which she had. She referred me to a gynecologist, who said that she couldn't sign the piece of paper because my partner and I were planning on using sperm for an at-home insemination, instead of going through her office. She referred me to a fertility specialist who told me at my first visit that she didn't work with same-sex couples. Had I come in alone would she have helped me?
I then started visiting a D.O. (doctor of osteopathy) who akid fondly refers to as the "ouija board doctor."She's a bit on the flaky side, but I was okay with that because she herself was a lesbian and so I didn't anticipate any unspoken or latent homophobia. However, every time I ever visited her office, I ended up with so many supplements I needed to take vacation time from work to squeeze in the time to take them all and I always waited several hours in her office before getting to actually see her. So I thought I might try for something better. So yesterday I went for my first visit to the new doctor. It didn't go so well. She had a lousy bedside manner and I left her office feeling like a complete pariah, but not before having the worst pap smear of my life. She put off all kind of unspoken homophobic vibes, the most obvious of which was her ending her medical history interview before it ever even started when I told her that I had had a miscarriage after my girlfriend and I had been trying to get pregnant through artificial insemination.
Why I stayed for the pap smear after that is anyone’s guess.
It was a depressing and discouraging day for me. I spent the better part of last night crying out my anger and frustration over the way I was treated and the lack of recourse and the realization that I am going to have to do it all over again if I want to ever find a doctor that cares for my health with respect and dignity.
That sucks.
I am fantasizing about setting up a website for queer folks to refer eachother to good openminded safe businesses (whether it be doctors, masseuses, hair stylists, therapists or taxi services) and to warn eachother about the bad ones. But it’s technologically beyond me.
I wish there was a way to screen my next doctor and I have been playing out the conversation in my head when I call to make the appointment . . .
“Is Dr. X seeing new patients?”
“Yes”
“Does she ever see gay people?”
Or
“Is she okay with gay people?”
Or
“Is she going to give me grief about being gay?”
The good news is today is a much better day. I went to the dentist, where I had my tooth drilled on for the better part of an hour only to discover that it wasn’t strong enough to hold a filling and that I would have to come back in two weeks for a crown. This prospect is much more appealing to me than ever seeing yesterday’s doctor again. I will happily be going to the dentist. It’s all about perspective.

Hangin' with Olivia

Olivia and I hung out on Monday this week. She was in daycare because her school was having teacher in-service and her mom and dad both had to work. So I picked her up from daycare before lunch and then we picked up her dad and went to lunch with him. We then went to see The Wild. Olivia really liked the movie. I thought it was unremarkable, but I had a great time hanging out with her. Olivia said that she didn't like it as much as Mulan or Madagascar, to put it in perspective.
After the movie, we went back to my house where Olivia visited The Wild of my home. She also played a couple of tunes on the piano. And then I took her to her mom's work to go home. It was a good afternoon and I felt lucky to have the flexibility to hang out with her.
Next time we are planning a cooking adventure. Stay tuned for deets.

More yard work

Right now, outside of my window, there is a Cuban guy trimming the bushes in my yard. He came by on Monday and left a flyer, indicating that he could do landscaping. When I called about his services, he answered, speaking extremely poor and broken English. I was in a hurry and didn't feel like trotting out my extremely poor and broken Spanish, so he told me he would have his wife call me later.
When his wife called later, she left a message in poor, but not extremely so, English. On that same day, another guy came by the house wanting to do yard work. I was getting ready to go with him, mostly because he was in my front yard and the other guy was a phone call away when he started trying a hard sell to get me to tear down the dying tree in my front yard. I don't want to tear down my tree and got irritated with him for not backing off when I indicated so.
So I went with the Cuban guy. He came by the next day to give me an estimate of the cost of the yard work and we spoke broken English and Spanish to eachother at the same level of fluency. It was so nice and cool and I was so proud of myself and him for our efforts at communicating. He was quite relieved for me to try to meet him half way on the communication bridge and we started discussing how he ended up here. Basically he makes more money here and doesn't make enough in Cuba. So here he is.
He's doing a great job on my yard and we are both doing a good job of trying to communicate with eachother. I will happily pay him to help me out with my yard all summer long.

pennies

My zen thought for the day is this:
"If you cultivate a healthy poverty and simplicity, so that finding a penny will literally make your day, then, since the world is in fact planted with pennies, you have with your poverty bought a lifetime of days. It's that simple. What you see is what you get."--Annie Dillard
I like the ideas of healthy poverty and simplicity. This sentiment certainly feels like one that is borne out of richness though.
Initially it appeals to me--figure out a way to appreciate the most common and small tokens as significant and then experience your full life with the attendant gratitude.
But, then I imagine what I would have to do to get to the place where I appreciate pennies. I mean think about pennies. I used to appreciate pennies more, some time ago, when Geno the loco gringo was collecting pennies (and other found change) to purchase cows in Mexico. I can't explain why he was doing this and even if I tried to, I fear I would end up describing an ogre that looked an awful lot like a windmill. But I guess he isn't collecting pennies or buying cows anymore and at any rate, I quit looking.
Would be nice to get back to appreciating pennies.

i shaved my yard's head

yesterday i shaved my yard's head.
which is to say, on the advice of some loser i am paying to help me manage my yard, which i secretly believe should be left to manage itself, only i live in suburbia yuckville and so am not allowed to allow it to manage itself, i mowed my yard, prior to any apparent need for mowing.
and now it is bald.
i have observed animals who have been shaved, either by an ignorant or selfish owner seeking to prevent shedding or to cool off an animal whose internal cooling systems don't require shaving or for medically invasive procedures like allergy testing (yeah yeah, i've had my cat tested for allergies--i dare you to say something about it) and these animals always appear to experience some shame from the loss of self that accompanies a shaved head.
i myself have had a shaved head on several occasions in my life and found the loss of self to be quite liberating, not only in the weightlessness of hairlessness but also in the freedom of the heavy gendering of hair.
my yard appears to be embarrassed and not liberated.

Why is this tomato wet?

One of my pet peeves--tomatoes that have drops of water (?) on them in pictures of hamburgers.
I am always curious about the work that goes into food photography. What a job that must be.
Another one of my pet peeves--when blogger turns a picture blue.
Something interesting you might want to try--do a search for pictures of hamburgers on the internet.
I am going to try to come back to blogger slowly.
baby steps . . .

"Mama--I SMELL SOMETHIN'"

We went to see Big Momma's House II recently and it occured to me that one of the things that could be valuable about watching a pretty stinky movie is it helps you appreciate the broad range of possibilities when someone picks up a camera to film a movie or picks up a pen to write a movie script.

I Feel Lucky

Akid and I went to a benefit for Swan View, a therapeutic equestrian program, a couple of weeks ago, accompanied by her parents and mine. I picked up the karaoke mike again, something I haven't done in 4 years. Good times.
I did purchase some cowboy boots, as promised on akid's blog, and a western shirt, pictured here. But I let akid wear my cowboy hat and so here I am wearing auntc's hat. And looking mighty fine, I might add. Many thanks to akid's mom for capturing the moment.
The last time I sang karaoke was in a bar in Eureka Springs, AR on a grand vacation that akid and I took, camping and road tripping and adventuring four long years ago. I love karaoke.